August 20, 2012 followingjesus4life

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything.  I think I’ve just felt so lost.  Let me shed a tear here…as I’ve been shedding a lot of those while isolating in my bedroom lately.  I think I’m getting pretty good at hiding when the tears strike.

I’m so lost.  Or at least it feels like it.  Everyone returns to school tomorrow.  Everyone but me that is.  No job, no school…no purpose?  What I’m going to do for an entire semester I have no idea.  As if it wasn’t taking me long enough to finish as it was, taking only one or two classes at a time, and now I’m going a semester without classes.

I really thought getting off my anti-depressant was going to be worth it.  I just officially finished day three of being off after four months of continually weaning and I’m not seeing the benefits.  The looks I get from people because of this tube taped on my face is getting a bit much, especially because those people that know about my past automatically jump to the conclusion that I’m back using behaviors in my eating disorder.  It’s nothing of the sort, and I wish people understood that.  I also wish people understood that it’s just a tube.  It doesn’t mean I have to be in the hospital, or I’m super sick, or it’s seriously “medical.”  It is what it is and it’s helping me get off this medication.

I’m miserable off the medication.  I know right now my body is trying to adjust not having any sort of weird chemicals being put in it, but my moods are not so great, and I feel physically horrible.  I went all last week not being able to sleep at night and then crashing in the day.  Finally I’m getting sleep at night, but I think I’m kind of boycotting allowing myself to sleep tonight.  I’m too upset about things right now.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  Feedback from other people is making me feel like my existence is just…not worth it.  Or that every decision I make is wrong or needs to be thought over (meaning it pretty much sounds wrong to them).  Yeah, I admit.  I’m a bit irrational right now, but I’m sick of feeling like I’m sitting, doing nothing, and stealing the government’s money with my SSI every month.  I’m not going to be getting it much longer.  I should probably get off my butt and get a job, as much as that’s caused complete meltdown and failure in the past.

This was so not a God-centered post.  I’m sorry.


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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. Linda Mihalinec  |  August 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    I love you, girl… you’re gonna get through this… be a doer of the word, not a hearer only…. put your feet to the doing, while you wait for the feelings to come. They will. Really go to Jesus with all this. We all can only encourage you. He is the only one who can make the changes on the inside and He’s so waiting to do that. He’s waiting on your further surrender.

    The Message (MSG) 2 Peter 1-2I, Simon Peter, am a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ. I write this to you whose experience with God is as life-changing as ours, all due to our God’s straight dealing and the intervention of our God and Savior, Jesus Christ. Grace and peace to you many times over as you deepen in your experience with God and Jesus, our Master.
    Don’t Put It Off
    3-4Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.
    5-9So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

    10-11So, friends, confirm God’s invitation to you, his choice of you. Don’t put it off; do it now. Do this, and you’ll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.

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