Archive for August 2012




…?

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything.  I think I’ve just felt so lost.  Let me shed a tear here…as I’ve been shedding a lot of those while isolating in my bedroom lately.  I think I’m getting pretty good at hiding when the tears strike.

I’m so lost.  Or at least it feels like it.  Everyone returns to school tomorrow.  Everyone but me that is.  No job, no school…no purpose?  What I’m going to do for an entire semester I have no idea.  As if it wasn’t taking me long enough to finish as it was, taking only one or two classes at a time, and now I’m going a semester without classes.

I really thought getting off my anti-depressant was going to be worth it.  I just officially finished day three of being off after four months of continually weaning and I’m not seeing the benefits.  The looks I get from people because of this tube taped on my face is getting a bit much, especially because those people that know about my past automatically jump to the conclusion that I’m back using behaviors in my eating disorder.  It’s nothing of the sort, and I wish people understood that.  I also wish people understood that it’s just a tube.  It doesn’t mean I have to be in the hospital, or I’m super sick, or it’s seriously “medical.”  It is what it is and it’s helping me get off this medication.

I’m miserable off the medication.  I know right now my body is trying to adjust not having any sort of weird chemicals being put in it, but my moods are not so great, and I feel physically horrible.  I went all last week not being able to sleep at night and then crashing in the day.  Finally I’m getting sleep at night, but I think I’m kind of boycotting allowing myself to sleep tonight.  I’m too upset about things right now.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  Feedback from other people is making me feel like my existence is just…not worth it.  Or that every decision I make is wrong or needs to be thought over (meaning it pretty much sounds wrong to them).  Yeah, I admit.  I’m a bit irrational right now, but I’m sick of feeling like I’m sitting, doing nothing, and stealing the government’s money with my SSI every month.  I’m not going to be getting it much longer.  I should probably get off my butt and get a job, as much as that’s caused complete meltdown and failure in the past.

This was so not a God-centered post.  I’m sorry.

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1 comment August 20, 2012

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