Needing God

January 6, 2012 followingjesus4life

I’m needing God in many, many ways recently…and He knows that.  Simple things (like typing with long, acrylic nails) to more complex things (like where to live) are all things I’m depending on Him with.

I spent all last week up at home in Illinois with family, spending New Years on the couch after my seven-year-old sister INSISTED I stay awake, only for her to fall asleep about a half hour before midnight.  I enjoyed a lot of good food that I can only get when I visit home, and I got to spend time with my sisters, something that never happens…obviously because I live down here.  I was able to see my mom’s new house (which is actually very cozy), and I got to see Elaine, a past teacher of mine.  I didn’t do anything huge as I wanted it to be a more relaxed trip up there since my last trip up was to attend a funeral of my future brother-in-law.  I also didn’t want to completely wear myself out because that would only lead to a crash once returning to Florida.

Originally I had planned to move back to Illinois, but after my visit home I’m not feeling like that’s what I’m supposed to do.  This is a huge internal argument that God and I are having, and I feel I misinterpreted what He was telling me when saying to move back to Illinois.  I believe that He still is.  I just got the timing of all of it wrong.

I am definitely needing God as the new year progresses as I have set goals for myself.  I’m not saying they are “resolutions” because we all know we break those, and these are serious things that I want to do to better myself and my life, and not temporarily.  The first one starts with learning to stand up for myself…allowing myself to display emotions…but most of all displaying those emotions in a healthy way for other people to understand.  For example:  if I’m upset or mad at someone, I don’t want to do what I always do and just “run away.”  I want to learn to face the matter, but also not completely take it out on the other person by yelling at them.  I want to handle matters appropriately.

Today I went and worked out for an hour at church.  It was fun, but challenging in quite a few ways at the same time.  I noticed a couple of mantras returning to my head that really plagued me when I was active in my eating disorder.  A couple of them, which those of you who have dealt with this would understand, included:  “If I don’t do this move perfectly, I’ll have to go home and work even more to make up for it.”  “I’m not working as hard as I can, even though I haven’t worked out in ages, but I’m going to push myself as hard as I can anyway.”  And then I caught myself thinking, “This feels really good and I’m getting a high from this!  No wonder I did this obsessively for some time.  Maybe I should start again!”  That was the most dangerous and scary, thinking my ED brain was coming back again.  But, I completely gave each thought to God as they came, and I was fully aware that I was thinking them too!  It felt so good to be aware.

Of course in everyday life I’m going to need God.  That’s a no-brainer.  But, as the year progresses, and the challenges arrive, I’m going to need Him more and more.  I really need to make some changes in my life.  Vacation’s over and it’s time to get moving…

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