Am I Wrong?

November 22, 2011 followingjesus4life

Is it wrong to feel depressed, especially when I can’t pinpoint it to one particular thing?  I know life is stressful, and I’ve been turning to God in constant prayer today, near tears, asking Him to pull me out of this.  But I know that He can’t pull me out of the depression alone.  I need to do what He tells me to do…not expect a miracle.

I have to constantly remember what Gungor sings in their song…”He makes beautiful things.”  I’m forgetting that a lot lately, and that’s sad.  I’m allowing this depression to get in the way of what God is wanting to show me.

The constant feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are there, and the constant wanting to have a temper tantrum are there too.  Boy, do I feel like a little kid.  I wish I could just sit there and kick and scream and just get it out of my system for a while.  (I’m thinking the people around me would think I’m a little weird.)  

I slept all day, literally, and now I’m only awake because my first dose of medicine wore off.  I’m waiting for the next dose to kick in.  I’m not ready for my classes tomorrow, and the fact that I’m not exceedingly worried about that is creating a feeling of panic.  

I’m not perfect.  I wasn’t made to be perfect because God is perfect for me.  So why do I feel like more of a mess then most people?

I also learned today to really say what you mean.  When someone asks what you want if they see you struggling and you say to leave you alone and they do, you can’t get mad.  I think the right answer to that one today would have been to come give me a hug, allow me to cry, and talk with me.  Alone is the last thing I wanted, but I didn’t know how to ask for anything else.

I feel so…numb.  I know that making decisions during this time is not right because making decisions when you’re depressed can cause regrets later.  But, I think I’ve made a decision I want to spend Thanksgiving alone, instead of surrounded by people.  All I know is that God and I need to spend some quality time together.


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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. Kelly  |  November 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Hey Pearl!
    You shouldn’t be alone on thanksgiving! I think tht it would be better to be around ppl tht love and care about u! And no, you are not wrong! Depression is a feeling! You have a right to feel! Don’t blame yourself for tht! Blaming urself isn’t gonna do anything! Be strong! You can pull thru it!

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