Be Still

October 24, 2011 followingjesus4life

I don’t understand why God is telling me this. Be still. I expect so much more of myself that just sitting here and waiting feels like I’m accomplishing nothing with my life. I’m getting what I feel are “just average” grades in school, but I feel that nudge of Him saying, “Just be still and wait.” That reminder not to freak out, that pulling back so I don’t go to my professors freaking out and crying over my grades because they aren’t perfect A’s. I just have to be still.

I’m not out on my own yet. I think my plan was by the time I started school I would be in my own apartment. Let me just tell you that this plan didn’t happen. I’m still living with Linda. I’m not saying that I mind this in the least because I absolutely do not. Besides feeling like I’m in the way, an “additional child” she has to worry about, if you will. I just expected I’d be able to be on my own by now. I turn 25 next month and I can’t handle my own apartment? It’s a big disappointment for myself.

Back on the topic of school: it’s frustrating. Not only are the grades that I’m receiving frustrating, especially because I feel like I’m trying, but because the scheduling for my classes is beyond ridiculous. I don’t want to set up my schedule so that I freak out and have to drop out of classes because I can’t handle the pressure. I’m not going to register for two classes that have high writing requirements or else I’ll be at my computer 24/7 typing up papers and doing research. I do want a life as well. Finding classes that will work is proving difficult for next semester. I’m proud of myself that I passed out of American Sign Language 1 without even having to take the class. It means to me that I’m dedicated towards what I want to do with my life. I study on my own and go to classes to learn and communicate and can skip an entire semester’s class because of it. But, until I pay the $100 to skip that class, I can’t continue on in any of the other ASL classes…except Deaf Culture. The problem with that? It’s only offered on a Thursday night from 7:00-9:40. What’s the problem with that, you ask? I am a night owl after all. The buses stop running at 8:00. I have no way home. It’s frustrating when I can’t even take the classes for my major. I’m stuck taking all of the general education courses first and can’t dive in deeper into the sign language. It looks like I’m stuck deciding between College Algebra, Ethics (or Ethics for the Healthcare Field), World Religions or Western Humanities, and English Composition 2. I’m thinking Algebra and English, but any other suggestions are appreciated.

A friend told me the other day that she was proud of me and the steps I was taking forward. I almost didn’t know how to take this. Yes, I know I’m taking positive steps. I do. But at the same time I feel so stuck and wonder how much more still I can possibly be without moving backwards! Let me break this into a couple separate paragraphs to make sense.

I’ve been sick now for about three weeks. It started as a sore throat, kind of a dry cough, when to a wet cough, lungs bothering me, thought my head and eyes were going to explode today, etc. I was taking so much Vitamin C I’m glad you can’t overdose on it! But despite taking it, the cold, whatever it is, still hasn’t gone away! (I’m at the point where I’m thinking sinus infection/respiratory infection.) The answer I kept hearing was to keep taking the Vitamin C and not to allow myself to admit I’m sick. God will take it. Well, I sure was taking the Vitamin C, so much that I got a mouth sore. (I have to take the chewable because I choke on the actual horse pill, haha!) And to me it was quite obvious that I had a cold, so not admitting it just felt like denying the truth. But I felt I was wrong in this aspect. Did it mean (or does it mean) I don’t trust God enough because I wasn’t giving all of myself, cold and all, to Him? I know when I get sick it takes longer to get out of my system because of my disability. But, was I doing something wrong by not giving this cold to Him? I wasn’t expecting a miracle cure overnight…so I’m still left curious…and slightly still ill.

Secondly, I had someone tell me that she felt God was telling her not to give me her second vehicle. I never asked for the second vehicle, and I would never expect her to give it to me for free. I admit, I’m incredibly frustrated that I don’t have my own car, and it’s getting harder and harder because the volunteer activities that I want to be part of, and some that can even turn into jobs, I can’t join because I have no transportation. I can only rely on the bus system so much. But having it said to me straight out that it wasn’t meant for me to receive the blessing for use of the car almost made me upset. I don’t feel like I did anything to wrong her except for one incident that left us both upset for quite some time, but we’ve both completely gotten over it. Gone and done. But since then, anything with the vehicle is different. It makes me wonder what else God is telling her about that vehicle…or me. I would have just rather not known about what He told her about the use of the car. I felt I messed up my chance because I made a mistake…and I wonder where the perfectionism came from!

On a happier note…I’m going to bed. Good night!


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