Losing Footing?

September 4, 2011 followingjesus4life

Well, starting on the subject of footing, I finally got my leg braces completed. They are still hurting me on the outside of my right foot, and they caused a bruise on the inside of the top of my right foot, but I’m going to give them a little more time before I give up on them. I think it’s because my foot is still adjusting to the newest adjustments. I can feel that they are doing their job now when I wear them though, so I’m feeling very positive about that. Before I felt like my feet were falling out of them, but now that I have a new strap on them I’m feeling more secure in them, stable, and able to walk without as much pain.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed in school now and I’m not liking it. This is the first time I’ve used interpreters in school. I love the fact that I’m fully understanding what’s going on in my classes, but I feel so weird at the same time. I’m the kid that everyone knows who has a problem because I have these two people that follow me from class to class. (I have to admit, though. I got probably the two COOLEST interpreters I could have ever asked for. When the guy first walked into the classroom I wanted to ask for his autograph, not knowing he was actually my interpreter. And then, low and behold, his wife walked in the room after him. I was shocked!!! I’m so lucky to have them working with me. It’s been a great experience so far.) I have two notetakers for me, just in case I miss anything that’s being said in class while watching my interpreters. That’s been a HUGE help, and I know it will be even further down the line when I have my first tests.

My first speech is on Tuesday and I’m getting increasingly nervous. I’m great at public speaking. I don’t really remember ever having a problem with it. I have a memory going all the way back to 4th or 5th grade and having the speeches in front of the entire school for student government in which I was going for vice president. I won, by a huge majority. I spoke again in front of the entire school not long after, dedicating a chair and a teddy bear to the library in memory of another student’s mother who died of cancer that volunteered in the library for years. (The chair and teddy bear are still there, over 15 years later!) I’ve been speaking in front of audiences since I was quite young. This is the first COLLEGE speech I’m giving, so maybe that’s why I’m nervous. Also, I believe that no one in the class really knows that I can speak since I use my interpreters all the time, so I think a lot of students will be in for a surprise.

Government class is a class I dread. First of all, I’ve always hated any sort of social studies class. So right off the bat I was in trouble. Second of all, the chapters are so long and sometimes I only have one day to really complete all the homework. With each chapter you read you also have a quiz or a journal entry to write. While doing all that I’m having to write a critical thinking paper on euthanasia. You have to choose to be for or against and have three main reasons with valid points/data to back up those reasons. Again, I’m great at writing papers and have never had an issue with research. I’m just afraid that I’ll put emotional reasoning in there and get my grade docked. Besides psychology, which is a subject I absolutely love, this is my first college research paper I’ve ever had to do.

Anxiety I think is just what is making me really think I’m losing footing. After I get these first set of “firsts” out of the way, I’m hoping the school year will get easier and I won’t feel so much like I’m in quick sand.

Also very anxiety provoking is the final test I have to do in order to pass out of some of my sign language courses. I have to pay $100 and then see a professor who will do the final evaluation on whether or not I can skip the coursework. I got a couple wrong on my first evaluation with the first professor, so I’m hoping I can study up on the couple I got wrong so I can score high enough on this last test.

I’m assuming these are all normal fears and anxieties of students, no matter what their age. I was figuring I wouldn’t have to deal with these since this is my second time around at attempting college. I guess being so out of it between my actual bipolar, eating disorder, self-injury, and overmedicated self I couldn’t have achieved in college the first time no matter how much I tried. I’m glad things are different this time around, but I’m not liking the anxiety much!

I’m discovering I’m not turning to God and asking for His help as much as I wish I was. I know He can help me through all of these anxieties. I know He can make this schooling possible, and can make me very successful in it. I just have to turn my insecurities to Him. I’ll need to post these verses in my notebooks and binders that I had a friend make for me for the reminder. The verses turned out so beautiful I didn’t want to put them in anything because I don’t want to mess them up! That wasn’t the point of having her make them though, now was it?!?

I also have to be praying a lot more because within the last week I have had two men approach me while walking home. They both have tried to “flirt” with me, but neither time was it in an appropriate manner. It was more demeaning than anything. The second time it happened the guy actually stood in front of me and prevented me from being able to continue walking. I had to go out of my way to get around him and continue home. I know from now on to have my phone out and not be afraid to call the police if I need to. As my friend told me, I may be overusing the police, but if it means keeping myself safe, then I have to do so. Around this area that I’m living in I’d have to say that the white population is highly in the minority. Depending which direction you go from the house there is either a major black population or Hispanic population. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against either of them at all! But, when it comes to guys like this, especially the second guy who was in his 50s and stands in my way to prevent me from going somewhere, it’s a bit scary.

I put on the armor of God and it will forever protect me.

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