August 5, 2011 followingjesus4life

I’m going to admit, I’m a very angry person. I don’t think that I’ve really realized this until lately. I’ve always hid my anger, never allowing myself to show it to others, and taking it out on myself through either self-injury or my eating disorder. Recently I’ve allowed myself to see things that I’m upset about. And believe me…the list keep piling up.

Despite this list increasing constantly, I’m seeing how graceful God is with all of this anger. I may be angry about millions of things going on in my life, but God has placed His hand on many parts of this anger.

School in itself is making me beyond upset. I can’t believe how costly it is just to take two courses at the local community college. My tuition was nearly $600, and my books were $100. I also had to buy school supplies, as I of course don’t have many since I haven’t been in school in over four years. Yes, this has all made me very mad, but then I remember that it’s by the grace of God that I’m being able to even go back to school. I’ve wanted to return to college for quite a while now and haven’t had the chance because of money or whatever. God has finally put things together where I have a place to live and have just enough income to get things together that I can take two courses. Yes, it may only be TWO courses, but it’s two more courses than I was taking before.

I get more than angry about my medications.  I want so desperately to get on a lower dose of my mood stabilizer, but once I lower the dose my moods start to be a bit unbalanced.  Maybe they aren’t unbalanced though.  Maybe the moods are just turning more “normal” and less “numbing.”  I just don’t know what “normal” feelings are, I guess, because I’ve been so medicated for so long.  Then, on top of that, I was given medication for the pain I’ve been having, along with the swelling as well.  This medication, along with my other ones, make me sleep forever!  I feel that I’ve wasted the majority of my day when I finally get up and going because it makes me so tired when combined, and I’m not even taking my sleep medication!!!  But after all this thinking, I have to thank God that I finally have become stable enough in my bipolar that my psychiatrist feels I can be taken off of my medication, or at least have it decreased.  She said in a couple months we can think about taking me off of my anti-depressant.  This is the first time in years a psychiatrist has thought that.  God has given me the stability in my life to maybe no be as medication dependent.  The thought of that is very exciting.

It’s finally starting to kick in that my sister’s fiance, Gino, is dead.  He died on Memorial Day after a two-year fight with cancer.  His 21st birthday would be coming up in a little over a week.  I’ve been very angry and depressed about his death, but I haven’t allowed myself to feel this.  I’ve been hiding it, keeping myself busy with other things.  I feel I haven’t been there for my sister, Katie.  Through all the time she was enduring chemo with him, being his nurse at home, seeing him suffer, etc.  I feel I wasn’t the sister I should have been, and I’m angry with myself.  How could I have been such a failure as a sister?  She needed me, and still needs me.  I never talk to her.  We obviously can’t spend time together since I’m in Florida and she lives in Illinois.  But, God has taken Gino away from His suffering.  He looked better and more at peace at his funeral than ever before.  Gino was smiling, and you could tell God’s spirit was within him.  I couldn’t thank God enough for the peace that he put into Gino.  Gino needed that for over two years.

There are more things that are upsetting me right now, but because of a time constraint I have to cut it short.  Just keep in mind that God is great and all things are possible through Him.  I sometimes forget that and want to run the other way, but He’ll always be there when I’m ready to come back.


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