So, I’m Willing To Forgive Others…?

July 30, 2011 followingjesus4life

Luke 17:4
“Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”

I can easily forgive other people, so why can’t I forgive myself? If I do something wrong, I don’t want to admit it. When I do admit it, I don’t want to forgive myself, even if the other person has.

Linda’s not mad at me. She said so herself. She never yelled at me. Linda told me how she felt. She was honest with me. I should be more open and willing to hear what she has to say. Because it had to do with something I had done that she wasn’t exactly “pleased” with, I didn’t want to exactly hear it. I just became upset and shut down. Almost as if I was shutting her out, but that’s the last thing I wanted to do.

So even though all of this happened yesterday, why am I still beating myself up about it today? I understand that I still haven’t allowed myself to process everything. I slept all day today, literally. Not because I was depressed, but for medical reasons. A combination of how I was feeling physically and my medications caused me to sleep all day.

I talked with Linda for a while this morning, voicing my concerns about what happened yesterday. I didn’t want to run from the situation. That’s not the adult way to do things. But my internal instinct is to leave, which I don’t want to do. I love Linda. She’s done so much for me. She’s helping me do so much and accomplish so much in my life. But I can’t stop beating myself up. I can’t listen to myself and forgive myself. I haven’t wronged seven times, but Linda forgave me…now I just have to forgive myself. I feel like it’s a beginning of throwing my recovery away.

Why, you ask? Am I messing up and getting this emotional now so that when I start school I automatically fail? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? I’ll cause myself to fail so I can prevent it from happening accidentally?

On another topic, my physical pain isn’t going away, but is continuing to get worse. The muscle cramping, the joint swelling, and the muscle spasms continue. I see a rheumatologist at the end of next month. If you can just pray and hope that things go well and I can find an answer to all of this, I would appreciate it. I just want to find an answer. I know God is strong and He will pull through. God is strong…

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