Proof I Am NOT Perfect…

July 29, 2011 followingjesus4life

I believe that if I were perfect I would go to God at every chance I had, whether I really needed Him at that point or not. Well, I did the exact opposite today. I couldn’t feel more guilt, more shame, or be more angry at myself right now.

I messed up today. I knew it when she called me back and the tone in her voice. (I’m not going to say who…it’s not important. And yes, I may be hard-of-hearing, but I can still tell a stern tone when I hear one.) No part of me is good with confrontation, and confrontation was the last thing I wanted to do. I wasn’t sure EXACTLY what I had done “wrong,” but I knew I hadn’t done everything exactly right. And so I was nervous.

I began to pray. It was the first and only thing I knew to do at the time. I was upset, but not to the point of tears. I just talked and talked to God, asking Him for everything to turn out okay. I didn’t know how the talk was going to go. I didn’t know what exactly the talk was going to be about. But what I did know was it had to do with me messing something up. I didn’t do something correctly. I had done something wrong. The key word on all of this is “I.” I truly hate being the one in the wrong.

On my drive home I gave up on God. He is the one who promised me riches, successes, and help with anything I need. But, for some reason, I felt He was going to fail me. I felt I knew better than He did. I don’t know how I could be better than the creator of the earth, but for a slight moment I thought I was. So I took things into my own hands, and that’s making me even more upset now that I look back at the evening. If I would have just kept on praying the night would have turned out a whole lot better, and I’m sure much different.

I came home and directly went into bed, hiding under my weight blanket. My anxiety was building, and I figured any way to keep myself centered and get back to a “normal” state of mind would be the best thing. My attempt to avoid confrontation didn’t last long as I lost. Confrontation is hard to run away from when the other person wants it!

I find it impossible to look someone in the eyes when they are telling me what they feel I’ve done “wrong,” or not exactly “right.” My feelings of guilt was overwhelming, and I was beginning to feel worse than I had originally. I didn’t know my simple choice of words had affected someone I feel so dearly about. I wasn’t exactly aware I had worded it the way I did…and so seeing it in their perspective I understand how it could have been upsetting, but I really didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did.

But then, to hear how I really messed things up…I was feeling a hatred for myself. She forgave me, I think, but I really haven’t forgiven myself still. She said I made the night without behaviors, and that made me cry even more. I think this was the first time I’d really lost it in front of her.

My automatic response it to run. Leave. Flee. Leave Florida, go back home, get out of this mess. The thought that I even paid for some school and I didn’t care crossed my mind. Having to see someone daily who I feel I seriously wronged or offended is going to be hard for me. I don’t forgive myself like that. I feel things still aren’t all the way talked out. There’s still some tension. And I think that’s why I always leave. Because I never want to clear that last bit of tension. I’m afraid to bring up that sore spot again. I was seen in one of my weakest points: crying, admitting my wrongs, etc. I HATE when people see that part of me. I just want to continue to hide and pretend nothing happened. I want to be invisible. I don’t want to feel I’m “taking advantage” of the person/people I hurt. Or using them in anyway. But that’s how I feel.

I feel I’m overstepping my welcome. Overusing my stay. Not growing in the ways I should be. I’m not sure. I’m just really confused about things right now.

I do know that I wasn’t following Christ tonight, though. I stepped away from Him and away from His path. I thought I could do it alone. I thought I was more powerful and took things into my own hands when clearly the Bible says to put it in His. I still have a lot of learning to do as a person and as a Christian. I’ll never stop learning about myself. But, I really do have to stop being angry with myself. I know that much. But to know it and to actually KNOW it are two different things. Knowing it with your brain and knowing it with your heart is a huge difference, one I’m still trying to get over. I messed up…and I could beat myself up forever about it. Learning not to is the goal.

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