…?

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything.  I think I’ve just felt so lost.  Let me shed a tear here…as I’ve been shedding a lot of those while isolating in my bedroom lately.  I think I’m getting pretty good at hiding when the tears strike.

I’m so lost.  Or at least it feels like it.  Everyone returns to school tomorrow.  Everyone but me that is.  No job, no school…no purpose?  What I’m going to do for an entire semester I have no idea.  As if it wasn’t taking me long enough to finish as it was, taking only one or two classes at a time, and now I’m going a semester without classes.

I really thought getting off my anti-depressant was going to be worth it.  I just officially finished day three of being off after four months of continually weaning and I’m not seeing the benefits.  The looks I get from people because of this tube taped on my face is getting a bit much, especially because those people that know about my past automatically jump to the conclusion that I’m back using behaviors in my eating disorder.  It’s nothing of the sort, and I wish people understood that.  I also wish people understood that it’s just a tube.  It doesn’t mean I have to be in the hospital, or I’m super sick, or it’s seriously “medical.”  It is what it is and it’s helping me get off this medication.

I’m miserable off the medication.  I know right now my body is trying to adjust not having any sort of weird chemicals being put in it, but my moods are not so great, and I feel physically horrible.  I went all last week not being able to sleep at night and then crashing in the day.  Finally I’m getting sleep at night, but I think I’m kind of boycotting allowing myself to sleep tonight.  I’m too upset about things right now.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  Feedback from other people is making me feel like my existence is just…not worth it.  Or that every decision I make is wrong or needs to be thought over (meaning it pretty much sounds wrong to them).  Yeah, I admit.  I’m a bit irrational right now, but I’m sick of feeling like I’m sitting, doing nothing, and stealing the government’s money with my SSI every month.  I’m not going to be getting it much longer.  I should probably get off my butt and get a job, as much as that’s caused complete meltdown and failure in the past.

This was so not a God-centered post.  I’m sorry.

1 comment August 20, 2012

Taking Resposibility

Although I’ve been in recovery for my eating disorder for almost four years, I’ve never really taken responsibility for it.  What I mean by this is that I never kept up with healthy eating or healthy exercise.  But, now, this is something that I’m interested in doing.

My church is having a 21 day of prayer fast.  Some people are giving up certain foods, some people don’t eat during certain times, etc.  I’m not going to give up eating during certain times or anything like that because I don’t want to do anything that will mess up recovery and possibly risk a relapse.  Some of the youth do things like giving up TV, computers, or just facebook.  Well, here’s my idea:

I want to attend a Zumba class every Monday and a PraiseFit class every Thursday. This is giving me two days a week to really get my heartbeat up and work out.  The rest of the week I’ll just do work at home with my weights and stretching and Blogilates videos.  I don’t want to go overboard and get unhealthy with anything.  I just want to add exercise to my routine and get healthier.  It’s also been helping, I’ve noticed, as I decrease my Cymbalta.  The side effects/withdrawals haven’t been anywhere as bad as when I wasn’t exercising.

As part of the “fasting” when it comes to food, I’m going to set up rules as to fast foods and restaurant eating.  I really want to stay away from all fast foods, but my roommates and I sometimes go out to eat at a restaurant after church or something like that.  For the 21 days I really want to concentrate on eating salads and grilled chicken only when eating out, or other healthy alternatives.  As for my normal eating, I’m going to eliminate all caffeinated sodas, replacing them with Sprite or Fanta, and I want to increase my water intake.  I really want to increase my vegetable intake because right now I really don’t eat any.

It looks like this is more of an addition to everything than a fast, but I feel like this is what I have to do.  Get rid of the unhealthy ways and get healthier…this is what I have to do.  Opinions/suggestions?  I would appreciate any and all of them!!!

Add a comment January 13, 2012

Goals

I’m really dedicated towards some goals right now, which, in a way, is a bit weird for me.  Yes, sometimes I’ll have some things that I’m working towards, but I never really put them in a goal form.  If whatever I want doesn’t get accomplished, I’ve learned to just shrug it off and accept defeat.

These aren’t resolutions, because those always get broken, and I don’t want these to be things that I start and just stop.  Some aren’t really hard at all, I’ve just never worked towards accomplishing them.  Here are some of them:

1.  Wash my laundry, stick it in the dryer, and fold it and put it away right away (instead of letting it sit in a hamper for days waiting to be folded and done).
2.  Go on Thursday nights to exercise at church, but never get obsessive over it.  Stretch and do my weight workouts twice a day (which adds up to about 30-45 minutes worth of stretches and muscle working).
3.  Watch what I’m eating and really try and get all the meals in a day in a healthy way, cutting down on my soda intake and taking in plenty of fruits and vegetables.
4.  Learn.  Learn more about myself, putting myself into the Word, praying, and following God’s Word.
5.  Trust those around me and stop running away when things get hard.

These are just a couple beginning things I want to work out, but I think that they will be harder to keep up once time goes on.  I just have to remember that even as slight as these may be they will make me a better person!

Add a comment January 7, 2012

Needing God

I’m needing God in many, many ways recently…and He knows that.  Simple things (like typing with long, acrylic nails) to more complex things (like where to live) are all things I’m depending on Him with.

I spent all last week up at home in Illinois with family, spending New Years on the couch after my seven-year-old sister INSISTED I stay awake, only for her to fall asleep about a half hour before midnight.  I enjoyed a lot of good food that I can only get when I visit home, and I got to spend time with my sisters, something that never happens…obviously because I live down here.  I was able to see my mom’s new house (which is actually very cozy), and I got to see Elaine, a past teacher of mine.  I didn’t do anything huge as I wanted it to be a more relaxed trip up there since my last trip up was to attend a funeral of my future brother-in-law.  I also didn’t want to completely wear myself out because that would only lead to a crash once returning to Florida.

Originally I had planned to move back to Illinois, but after my visit home I’m not feeling like that’s what I’m supposed to do.  This is a huge internal argument that God and I are having, and I feel I misinterpreted what He was telling me when saying to move back to Illinois.  I believe that He still is.  I just got the timing of all of it wrong.

I am definitely needing God as the new year progresses as I have set goals for myself.  I’m not saying they are “resolutions” because we all know we break those, and these are serious things that I want to do to better myself and my life, and not temporarily.  The first one starts with learning to stand up for myself…allowing myself to display emotions…but most of all displaying those emotions in a healthy way for other people to understand.  For example:  if I’m upset or mad at someone, I don’t want to do what I always do and just “run away.”  I want to learn to face the matter, but also not completely take it out on the other person by yelling at them.  I want to handle matters appropriately.

Today I went and worked out for an hour at church.  It was fun, but challenging in quite a few ways at the same time.  I noticed a couple of mantras returning to my head that really plagued me when I was active in my eating disorder.  A couple of them, which those of you who have dealt with this would understand, included:  “If I don’t do this move perfectly, I’ll have to go home and work even more to make up for it.”  “I’m not working as hard as I can, even though I haven’t worked out in ages, but I’m going to push myself as hard as I can anyway.”  And then I caught myself thinking, “This feels really good and I’m getting a high from this!  No wonder I did this obsessively for some time.  Maybe I should start again!”  That was the most dangerous and scary, thinking my ED brain was coming back again.  But, I completely gave each thought to God as they came, and I was fully aware that I was thinking them too!  It felt so good to be aware.

Of course in everyday life I’m going to need God.  That’s a no-brainer.  But, as the year progresses, and the challenges arrive, I’m going to need Him more and more.  I really need to make some changes in my life.  Vacation’s over and it’s time to get moving…

Add a comment January 6, 2012

God Is Moving Me

When I say that God is moving me, I mean it both literally and figuratively.  I’m amazed at what God is doing in my life right now.  The grace I’m receiving.  The blessings He has given me.  And literally, He is telling me that Florida is not where I belong anymore.

Let me back up a little.  I gave my testimony to the youth at church.  I’ve gotten all positive feedback.  Several students have come up to me and told me what a great job I did.  Many have contacted me.  I’ve also had pastors and youth leaders tell me how great I did as well.  I’m glad that I could touch the lives of others with what I had to say.  Or, what I have to say…and will continue saying.  Being able to make a difference in people’s lives by either just praying for them or bringing them into the walks of God and getting to know Him personally is so rewarding.  Although I’m not proud of what I’ve gone through with my eating disorder, self-injury, depression/bipolar, and suicidal thoughts, I’m glad that it can at least benefit someone else in a positive manner.

The semester is officially over and I passed!  This was no small feat, let me tell you!  I believe in both classes I received a B, which has God’s grace written all over that!!!  I had the two best interpreters in the world all semester.  I owe a lot of my grade to them because without them I wouldn’t have understood a thing.  Their skills and abilities are mind-blowing.  I’m truly going to miss having them interpret for me.

When I say that God is literally moving me, I mean it.  This is the first official announcement I’ve made…so here it is.  I am moving back home to Illinois.  My time here in Florida is over.  I’ve learned all the skills that I believe I can learn here, and now it’s time to go back home to my family and apply them.

I’ve been out of psychiatric hospitals since September of 2009.  That is a major accomplishment considering I was a frequent flyer, averaging every six months back in the hospital for medicine adjustments, suicidal behavior, or my bipolar acting up.  I’ve been stable and in recovery with very minor slips for three, almost four, years.  I’ve definitely learned how to form boundaries…and keep them.  I’ve learned how to use my coping skills before resorting to past behaviors.  I’m stable on my medications, and am even decreasing some of them.  I went back to school for an entire semester and passed, something that I haven’t even attempted since 2007.  I haven’t been completely dependent on my mom for everything, being able to pay my own rent, buy my own food, and making sure I have a way to get all of my medications.

I really miss my family.  And by this I don’t mean I really miss my mom giving me all my money and not having to work for it.  I have a seven-and-a-half year old sister whose life I’m completely missing out on.  It’s like she doesn’t even know me as an older sister because I’ve been gone since she was five, only popping in and out of her life twice a year.  I miss hanging out with my younger cousins and going to family get togethers.  I really have started feeling alone here in Florida, not having that network of family.

I talked to a friend today and it really is amazing how God works.  She’s working on getting a house together for women who are just leaving rehab.  It will be a Christian-based home to learn how to enter back into life and stay out of whatever addiction they were in before.  While talking to her she said that God really does put things in order, and I completely understood when she further explained why.  While planning out recovery models and everything that they will need to get this house up and running, it was discovered that no one really knew much about self-injury.  No one in this team of people working on the project had experienced it first-hand, had no idea how to recover, why people do it, etc.  Well, who else would know better than someone who dealt with it for years?  She offered up the opportunity to join her on this project, to lend my knowledge to help women in this situation get better.  I couldn’t help but say yes!  Once I’m officially relocated to Illinois I’ll join up with her and get things rolling to hopefully help get this recovery home started!

There’s a college in Chicago that has an excellent sign language interpreting program, and I really hope to start going there in the fall.  I will be looking for apartments and someone I know, who is also in the interpreting program at Columbia, is interesting in sharing an apartment with me close to the school.  How excellent is that?  I’ll just have to be patient until God is ready to provide.

My mom has said that I can live with her until I find housing, and luckily I’ll continue to get social security payments when I move there.  I’ve got my eye on a car, which I can afford, and I’m praying about the co-signer part of that.  (I’m not going to go into detail because it’s a long story.)

As for the actual move up there…I’m not looking forward to that.  I have no idea how I just packed my life into two suitcases and just moved to Florida.  How I’m going to get everything back up to Illinois seems impossible.  I know it’s not, because God will provide.

Please keep me in your prayers during the next two or three months while all of this happens.  It’s going to be busy, but I know God can do it!!!

1 comment December 16, 2011

Am I Wrong?

Is it wrong to feel depressed, especially when I can’t pinpoint it to one particular thing?  I know life is stressful, and I’ve been turning to God in constant prayer today, near tears, asking Him to pull me out of this.  But I know that He can’t pull me out of the depression alone.  I need to do what He tells me to do…not expect a miracle.

I have to constantly remember what Gungor sings in their song…”He makes beautiful things.”  I’m forgetting that a lot lately, and that’s sad.  I’m allowing this depression to get in the way of what God is wanting to show me.

The constant feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are there, and the constant wanting to have a temper tantrum are there too.  Boy, do I feel like a little kid.  I wish I could just sit there and kick and scream and just get it out of my system for a while.  (I’m thinking the people around me would think I’m a little weird.)  

I slept all day, literally, and now I’m only awake because my first dose of medicine wore off.  I’m waiting for the next dose to kick in.  I’m not ready for my classes tomorrow, and the fact that I’m not exceedingly worried about that is creating a feeling of panic.  

I’m not perfect.  I wasn’t made to be perfect because God is perfect for me.  So why do I feel like more of a mess then most people?

I also learned today to really say what you mean.  When someone asks what you want if they see you struggling and you say to leave you alone and they do, you can’t get mad.  I think the right answer to that one today would have been to come give me a hug, allow me to cry, and talk with me.  Alone is the last thing I wanted, but I didn’t know how to ask for anything else.

I feel so…numb.  I know that making decisions during this time is not right because making decisions when you’re depressed can cause regrets later.  But, I think I’ve made a decision I want to spend Thanksgiving alone, instead of surrounded by people.  All I know is that God and I need to spend some quality time together.

1 comment November 22, 2011

Ugh? Depression?

awareness-day-crying-lady

Continue Reading Add a comment November 16, 2011

Be Still

I don’t understand why God is telling me this. Be still. I expect so much more of myself that just sitting here and waiting feels like I’m accomplishing nothing with my life. I’m getting what I feel are “just average” grades in school, but I feel that nudge of Him saying, “Just be still and wait.” That reminder not to freak out, that pulling back so I don’t go to my professors freaking out and crying over my grades because they aren’t perfect A’s. I just have to be still.

I’m not out on my own yet. I think my plan was by the time I started school I would be in my own apartment. Let me just tell you that this plan didn’t happen. I’m still living with Linda. I’m not saying that I mind this in the least because I absolutely do not. Besides feeling like I’m in the way, an “additional child” she has to worry about, if you will. I just expected I’d be able to be on my own by now. I turn 25 next month and I can’t handle my own apartment? It’s a big disappointment for myself.

Back on the topic of school: it’s frustrating. Not only are the grades that I’m receiving frustrating, especially because I feel like I’m trying, but because the scheduling for my classes is beyond ridiculous. I don’t want to set up my schedule so that I freak out and have to drop out of classes because I can’t handle the pressure. I’m not going to register for two classes that have high writing requirements or else I’ll be at my computer 24/7 typing up papers and doing research. I do want a life as well. Finding classes that will work is proving difficult for next semester. I’m proud of myself that I passed out of American Sign Language 1 without even having to take the class. It means to me that I’m dedicated towards what I want to do with my life. I study on my own and go to classes to learn and communicate and can skip an entire semester’s class because of it. But, until I pay the $100 to skip that class, I can’t continue on in any of the other ASL classes…except Deaf Culture. The problem with that? It’s only offered on a Thursday night from 7:00-9:40. What’s the problem with that, you ask? I am a night owl after all. The buses stop running at 8:00. I have no way home. It’s frustrating when I can’t even take the classes for my major. I’m stuck taking all of the general education courses first and can’t dive in deeper into the sign language. It looks like I’m stuck deciding between College Algebra, Ethics (or Ethics for the Healthcare Field), World Religions or Western Humanities, and English Composition 2. I’m thinking Algebra and English, but any other suggestions are appreciated.

A friend told me the other day that she was proud of me and the steps I was taking forward. I almost didn’t know how to take this. Yes, I know I’m taking positive steps. I do. But at the same time I feel so stuck and wonder how much more still I can possibly be without moving backwards! Let me break this into a couple separate paragraphs to make sense.

I’ve been sick now for about three weeks. It started as a sore throat, kind of a dry cough, when to a wet cough, lungs bothering me, thought my head and eyes were going to explode today, etc. I was taking so much Vitamin C I’m glad you can’t overdose on it! But despite taking it, the cold, whatever it is, still hasn’t gone away! (I’m at the point where I’m thinking sinus infection/respiratory infection.) The answer I kept hearing was to keep taking the Vitamin C and not to allow myself to admit I’m sick. God will take it. Well, I sure was taking the Vitamin C, so much that I got a mouth sore. (I have to take the chewable because I choke on the actual horse pill, haha!) And to me it was quite obvious that I had a cold, so not admitting it just felt like denying the truth. But I felt I was wrong in this aspect. Did it mean (or does it mean) I don’t trust God enough because I wasn’t giving all of myself, cold and all, to Him? I know when I get sick it takes longer to get out of my system because of my disability. But, was I doing something wrong by not giving this cold to Him? I wasn’t expecting a miracle cure overnight…so I’m still left curious…and slightly still ill.

Secondly, I had someone tell me that she felt God was telling her not to give me her second vehicle. I never asked for the second vehicle, and I would never expect her to give it to me for free. I admit, I’m incredibly frustrated that I don’t have my own car, and it’s getting harder and harder because the volunteer activities that I want to be part of, and some that can even turn into jobs, I can’t join because I have no transportation. I can only rely on the bus system so much. But having it said to me straight out that it wasn’t meant for me to receive the blessing for use of the car almost made me upset. I don’t feel like I did anything to wrong her except for one incident that left us both upset for quite some time, but we’ve both completely gotten over it. Gone and done. But since then, anything with the vehicle is different. It makes me wonder what else God is telling her about that vehicle…or me. I would have just rather not known about what He told her about the use of the car. I felt I messed up my chance because I made a mistake…and I wonder where the perfectionism came from!

On a happier note…I’m going to bed. Good night!

Add a comment October 24, 2011

Questioning God vs. Depression

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of questions concerning God have been going through my mind lately.  I’m not sure how people are taking to this questioning.  Am I doubting God, or is it just obvious I’m slightly, or more than slightly, depressed?

I’m not the C or D student.  I’ve always been an A or B student.  So, why all of a sudden am I getting a 76% and 64% on my tests?  Yes, I know they are just tests and not my overall grade, but why would God allow this to happen?  I mean, I prayed constantly before taking this government test, asking over and over that He give me the wisdom and patience I need for this test.  When I get it back and discover it’s nowhere close to the score I wanted, maybe I do somewhat doubt God…a little.  But, maybe it’s also a depression coming over me caused by the fact that I scored so low on a test and that very rarely occurs.

The continual thoughts and “feelings” of being fat are bothering me.  I know that it’s part of my depression now.  It’s not an eating disorder.  I’m not going back to behaviors.  It’s my mind’s way of coping with the fact that I’m slightly upset (a.k.a. depressed).  If I have those feelings or thoughts, my mind tells me not to eat…and that’s how my mind wants me to cope.  I know otherwise.  Does it mean I eat every bit of every meal?  No.  But I don’t do that all the time anyway because to me “normalized eating” is eating what you want until you are full, not stuffing yourself until you puke.

Now I question myself why don’t I just go to my Bible and read God’s word?  Am I really doubting Him that much?

I have always been told He will not give us more than we can handle.  So why is He giving me so much physical pain?  I’m not sure how much longer I can handle it.  I will only take so much Advil in a day, and I refuse to take the Tylenol with codeine.  I was practically comatose for 20 hours the last time I took it!  Why the pain?

And why the hearing aids that are so uncomfortable I can’t wear them?

And why the constant tiredness and fatigue?

Why?

Add a comment September 26, 2011

A Soldier And A Deck Of Cards

It was quiet that day. The guns, the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn’t been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk. Just then an army sergeant came in and said, “Why aren’t you with the rest of the platoon?” The soldier replied, “I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord.” The sergeant said, “Looks to me like you’re going to play cards.” The soldier said, “No, sir . You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I’ve decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards.” The sergeant asked in disbelief, “How will you do that?” “

“You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments. The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. The Five is for the five virgins. There were ten, but only five of them were glorified. The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth. The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation. The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives — the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth. The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him. The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone. The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God’s first angels, but he got kicked out of Heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell. The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary. The King stands for Jesus, for He is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year. There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week – 52 weeks in a year. The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. Each suit has thirteen cards — there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.

So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for.”

The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, “Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?”

Add a comment September 7, 2011

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